Daring Greatly

Its been a hot minute since I have posted. I actually had no intentions of continuing this blog but I have had a lot of time to think (with everything being shut down) about what direction I want to go with my life and career; and I realized that sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences is something that I want to do. No matter how vulnerable it may make me at times.

And that is exactly what this post is making me, is vulnerable.

I have had a post like this saved in my instagram drafts for months now, sense March 17th to be exact, the day my senior track season was cancelled…. (the day I knew that I could no longer make excuses for not listening to what my body had been telling my for years)… however, I keep leaving it in my drafts because I have been scared of how it will be perceived by others..

Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.

Brene Brown

“You’re so healthy and fit!” “I wish I was as dedicated as you.” “That runner girl.” These are the comments that have shaped what I thought I have had to be since the 6th grade and while I love how everyone has been so encouraging with my running career… its easy to understand how I let it get out of hand and a little obsessive. No one can ever truly know what others are going through. Most of us fall apart quietly. I know I was.

I am not going to go into details about my exact patterns and behaviors because that’s not the purpose of this post. However, if you are someone struggling with disordered eating patterns, body image issues, amenorrhea, and the pressure of being an athlete, know that you are not alone. That is why I want to share my story no matter how fearful I may be. Even if this post only helps one person, it will be a success.

I feel like this is a crazy jumble of thoughts because I have so much built up about the topics of body image, shame, self-worth, and even addiction. “What? Addiction?! What is that word doing in here?” But people can get addicted to anything and I think we are too quick to judge people based on this…. Some people are addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc. and get a wrap for being a terrible person. But what about the person addicted to exercise? Or the person addicted to controlling how their body looks to the point of it becoming an obsession? They really aren’t that different. When other areas of ones life seem to be falling apart, anyone is going to get a little attached to something that makes them feel safe, secure, and in-control. Its hard to admit when its become too much. Its hard to step back from something that has controlled all of your decisions for a large majority of your life. Its hard to admit you need help and that you cant do it on your own.

Its funny that all of my most influential experiences are centered around running- the good and the bad. I am blessed to have found such a passion….while I may need time away from it structuring my entire life, I know it will always be there. But I want it to be there in a healthy way this time.. to be able to exercise without comparing what I did to someone else. to eat the cookie because I want the cookie and not feel bad about it because I did not workout long enough that day. To win a race for myself and not out of fear of what others would think if I didn’t…

I want all of this and so much more and I have come to realize that I am still a long ways away from being able to say any of these things.

What I can say is this… Not liking yourself sucks; its exhausting. Wishing you could change things that you can’t is a never ending battle… and being at war with yourself because you feel like you aren’t worthy of others is draining.. You deserve it all. All the love, success, and cookies your heart desires. Self-care has started getting a lot more attention but I don’t think people know how hard self-care actually is. Its not just manicures and massages… It’s calling yourself out on your own BS. Its being uncomfortable for days, months, maybe even years to achieve something bigger. Its shutting down the outside world because what is right for someone else may not be right for you at this stage in your life. Its accepting your flaws and acknowledging that everyone has negatives thoughts but you choose whether you process and release them or let them control your decisions.

I am no where near where I need to be, but I am a lot closer than I was 5 months ago and right now that is good enough. The future is limitless. While I am scared for all the changes occurring in my life, I’m excited to be able to help others accept themselves and find their inner badass. I know that God has put me through what he has to benefit a journey so much bigger than just myself. The exact path may not be clear to me right now but I have faith that I am taking the right steps.

I hope you guys continue to follow me as I start some new adventures in my life! I want to thank everyone for their love, support, and encouragement.

With all the Love, Marissa.

P.S. – Eat the damn cookie.