If you have read some of my earlier posts, or followed me on any of my social media pages, you likely know about my past struggles with an eating disorder and hypothalamic amenorrhea (aka loss of period). I don’t talk about it much because honestly, it is still hard to talk about. As someone who prides herself as having it all together and doing it all, sharing this struggle makes me vulnerable and feel weak and less than. But If my goal is to help others, which it always has been, it is something I have to be open about. Now rest assured, this is not going to be a spill all story, but instead a little note on what finally actually worked for me. Two years into fixing my relationship with food and exercise, my period had yet to return without medicated aid. It was not until I made some changes within the past 6 months that, after 12+ years, I got my first natural period. And these little changes are not just for amenorrhea. Any woman who is experiencing fatigue, heavy/painful periods, acne, struggling with their weight, hot flashes, the list could go on and on- these are changes that will actually cure your symptoms. The kicker, these are changes we were never taught as young girls growing up. So now we experience these and go to a doctor only to be put on the pill or told “it’s normal for your age.” Consider most of the medical population is male, it makes sense that little medical protocol is based or studied from the female body, other than birth. If you have the resources and ability, I recommend looking for a doctor that truly understands the female body whether this be a general practionor, holistic or naturopathic doctor, a functional medicine doctor, or whatever you can get assess to, don’t settle until you find a doctor that is willing to listen to you and not just mask your symptoms. And until you find that doctor and even after, start making some of these changes.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, but these are things that I was advised to do, as well as things that I have learned and realized along the way. I was tired of going to doctor after doctor and getting the same thing, “start taking birth control”. I had tried that and learned all the side effects short/long term that it has on the female body. Another thing we are not told when they try to prescribe it. So here are some natural and real strategies to help you regain a normal healthy cycle.

1. Cut out the toxins in your environment. Did you know that many of the products you use around your house are actually endocrine disruptors? Your cleaning supplies, dish soap/pods, laundry soap, toothpaste, shampoo/conditioner, body wash, lotion and perfume, etc. The list goes on and on and it can seem scary at first because they are literally everywhere! It does not have to be all or nothing, start small. I started with my cleaning products and dish soap. I then moved to switching out my hair care and body wash.
2. Start drinking an adrenal cocktail. You are probably thinking, what the heck is an adrenal cocktail and why would I need to drink it. The first thing I am going to say is go follow restoredbyallie on Instagram. She does a great job of explaining it all and also has an adrenal cocktail mix she uses and recommends to her clients. Pick a source of potassium, vitamin C, magnesium, and sodium and mix it together.. boom you have yourself an adrenal cocktail. Okay that sounds gross. I do 100% Orange juice, coconut water, magnesium powder, and a pinch of sea salt.
3. Decrease the intensity of your workouts! This one is something I still struggle with. As a former distance runner, it has been hard to wrap my mind around the concept. The truth is, most of our bodies are not able to handle that type of stress day-in- and day out. At least not without the proper knowledge and support, which I lacked at the time. It has been hard to let go of needing to workout for 2+ hours a day and that I need to be sweating. I have finally come to a place where my workouts compliment my health. My workouts now consist of lifting weights and walking- I’ve decreased my cardio and intensity of my workouts to give my body the energy to rest and repair.
4. SLEEP. I know, this one sounds so little but sleep has a lot to do with our hormones and the state of our body. Even as adults, we should be getting 8 hours of sleep. Rewind to this summer, I was getting 4-6 hours of sleep and then getting up and working out immediately. Which reminds me, WORKING OUT IS NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN SLEEP. It is actually worse for your body than it is good.
5. Alter your caffeine intake. This is going to look different for everyone. For some, it may just look like a decrease in your consumption. For others, you may have to cut it out completely. You also need to look at when you are consuming caffeine. Females should not be drinking caffeine on an empty stomach! Our cortisol levels are highest in the mornings and caffeine increases our cortisol even more. Cortisol blocks multiple of the hormones needed throughout the female body. When decreasing my consumption of caffeine didn’t work, I went caffeine free and that is when I started seeing changes.
6. Stop working out on an empty stomach. If you are struggling with your hormones, working out on an empty stomach is only making it worse because once again, it is increasing your cortisol!

The big take away… reduce the stress in and around you. This means looking at your environment and routine and making changes. I thought that once I was eating consistently all my problems would disappear. But what I realized is that it was so much more than just the food. My body was in a constant state of stress that wouldn’t allow my body to do what it was suppose to.

Like I said, this isn’t just for those experiencing HA. It is for women with PCOS, or any undiagnosed hormonal issues that one may be experiencing. And if you are someone experiencing any of these things, I want you to know that I feel for you and I hope you find the answers and relief you are searching for. I have attached a couple of links below for dietitians that helped me in my journey and have a ton of information/tips/and tools.

Take care of yourselves , ❤ Marissa

https://instagram.com/restordbyallie?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

https://instagram.com/dietitiandeanna?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

https://instagram.com/food.freedom.fertility?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Rest assured this is not going to be your typical list of health and wellness tips. I will not be telling you that you should go keto, try intermittent fasting, or buy these programs that promise rapid results. Quite the opposite. Instead, this is going to be a list of things that I wish I would have learned way earlier in life. Things that would have saved me a lot of time, money, and pain.

1. Kicking it off with the elephant in the room, STOP DIETING. Whether it be a diet where you are cutting calories or certain food groups, diets are wired to backfire. No matter what type of diet you are on, at some point your brain realizing it has been in a state of restriction. Thus comes along the “cheat meals” or dropping the diet completely and gaining the weight plus some back. Here is what we don’t get taught- Caloric restriction slows your metabolism, meaning your body learns to operate on less calories. Deviating from this set calorie point leads to the rapid weight gain we see. It is your body telling you that the weight you have been at may be too low and that you are not eating enough to support your body.
2. Your Gut controls everything. Have you ever heard the trendy phrase, “Hot girls have stomach issues?” While that trend is meant to be funny, when you dive deeper into the phrase, it is backed by science. Take your average 21st century woman. She is likely waking up, consuming caffeine immediately, working out, and having a granola bar for breakfast or something like that. Yet she has never stopped to think that her lifestyle may be causing her stomach problems. The same goes for men! If you are having stomach issues, look at your lifestyle. To go even further into this, your stomach issues could lead you to developing other symptoms completely unrelated such depression and anxiety. This is because the gut is in direct contact with our brains via the gut-brain axis. Ohh and dieting also shuts down your stomach as well, creating even more problems.
3. Women are not little men. We biologically cannot be like men, yet we live in a world where most of your training, eating, and medical guidelines are based off studies on a male dominated population. Our hormones are not the same as men’s. This may be one of the only times I ever say this, but women are “weaker” due to our hormones. Weaker may not even be the best term, maybe influenceable? Our bodies handle stress and the things in our environment on a much different level than men. Take working out for example, due to hormonal differences women can not get as “bulky” as men. A big fear that keeps many women from lifting weights. However, also due to hormonal differences, women can not train at the same level, intensity, and duration as men. Our bodies will shut down.
4. Our bodies do not know the difference between good stress and bad stress. And too much of anything, even good, can be a bad thing. No one can be a mom or dad, work full time, workout 6 days a week, keep a clean house, and have time for self, personal development, spiritual practice, and a social life. Ohh and don’t forget probably dieting. Add on to this that most people are now working well over 40 hours a week and multiple jobs. You can’t do it all. Or maybe you can but wonder why you are tired, grumpy, losing hair, gaining weight in your mid-section, and have no desire to do the things that bring you pleasure. You are doing too much! Your body is in a constant state of fight-or-flight.
5. Start prioritizing sleep. Sleep is so important and I think we forget that. We think working, exercising, and having a social life are worth losing sleep for and don’t get me wrong, it is not a bad thing every now and then. But if you are constantly getting 4-6 hours of sleep and wonder why you can’t loss weight, have anxiety, needing excessive caffeine, and really any other symptoms, try sleeping. We should all be aiming for 7-9 hours of sleep. You getting up at 5 am to do a workout on 5 hours of sleep, is actually doing more harm than good.
6. Going to therapy. I have to say this, I am a future counselor. No but in all seriousness, I do not think there is anyone that would not benefit from going to therapy. It is funny because when people think of therapy they think of a couch with a random person taking notes and nodding their head to everything they say, but this is not therapy and talk therapy is not the only type of therapy that can be beneficial. If you have not read the book Our Bodies Keep The Score by Bessel van der Kolk. I highly recommend it. The book talks about how and why our body may be holding onto things that we did not realize had actually affecting us and yet our body is presenting with these symptoms that we cannot find a cause for.
7. Think nutrients. Instead of going on a diet where you are cutting out a certain food group, look at your macro and micronutrients. Are you getting enough protein? Protein keeps you full. Are you eating enough healthy fats? Fats are what keep you satisficed. How are your vitamins and minerals? Most Americans are deficient in both Magnesium and Vitamin D. Magnesium is used in the body for basically everything, look it up. Vitamin D helps with dopamine and serotonin. So instead of taking things away think of adding in things that are rich in whatever you are lacking. Start making switches to your favorite meals that make them more nutrient-dense. For example, doing half of your normal amount of rice and the other half as cauliflower rice. This is adding in a vegetable while still giving you a volume that keeps you full. Look into adaptogens and other nutrients that help regulate stress and energy. I promise you that you are going to see better and longer lasting results without feeling restricted then you would on the diet you are thinking about starting.

If I could go back to my 4th and 6th grade health class, these are the things that I would want to be taught. I hope you all can go into 2023 with goals are truly becoming happier and healthier and not just the smallest version of yourself that you can be.

Happy Holidays,

Marissa ❤

I haven’t written a blog in over a year. I remember when I started this page, I wanted to reach people in a raw and authentic way. I would not say it was that I did not take it seriously, more just that at the time, I was trying to do so much all at once. I thought I needed to do it all and that I wanted to do it all. Go to school, be an athlete, work 20 hours a week, and keep a 4.0. And I did do it all. But the years of going and going, trying to do it all and be where I think I need to be has left me exhausted. I have come to realize that not only do I not have to do it all; I do not want to do it all. And while I stopped writing because I felt that this blog wasn’t reaching people, I have come to realize that anything worth having is going to take time and if I commit to it, I will get the results I want. I know what you are all about to say, “Marissa, you have always been a go go go do it all person.” And I am not saying that is not still who I am. What I am saying is that I have learned that I need to have boundaries and also listen to myself. Let me explain..

I have spent the past two years working as a personal trainer, cross country coach, and behavioral health technician. I also started working on getting my masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. Waking up at 4 am to get my workout in and train clients before heading to work in a very high stress environment, go to practice, and come home to do homework. We will thank the 400 mg of caffeine I was consuming a day for all this energy because it definitely was not natural. In May of this year, I had finally had enough. So I quit my full-time job and took the summer a bit slower, granted I was still training clients at 5 am, but it was a start, and it was not easy. I remember how stressed I was about not working. I still get stressed when I have days off. It is something I am working on. Understanding that the “grind” and “hustle” culture we live in has our priorities all wrong. Come August, I started at a different location as a RBT. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I love the kids I work with, no matter how hard some days may be. But I am tired. I don’t want to have to wake up at 5 am every morning just to rush to get ready for work without having time to connect with myself first and while I know that this is just for now and will be different once I finish my masters, there are still some things I can do to help myself.

Like this blog for instance. It is part of my dream career. It is going to evolve and change as my career advances but if I never start and stick to it, I’ll never know what it could have been. And this is hard in a world of instant gratification. It can be challenging and discouraging to put in the work and not see progress, but it is just like becoming great at anything, it takes time and usually longer than you think it will. So I am using my time, when not working, to work on the things that I actual want to build off of for the future.

It still makes me anxious to think about not working as much as I could. And when I say working I mean a job where I am getting something in return instantly, like a paycheck for example. I have always been the type that feels like I need to be doing that kind of work every single day. I have always based my worth off my productiveness. So to have days off, working on more of my creative and future goals is scary. But also exciting! Along with bringing the blog back, I am going to be working on some other projects that I have put on the back burner. If you noticed, I changed the blog’s name from Beautifully Flawed to Mindfully Marissa. I feel that this encompasses more of what I want this blog and my career to represent and will be carried out throughout my content.

I am not big on New Year’s resolutions. I feel like people make them with all these terms and wrong intentions and then never stick to them. However, I want 2023 to be the year that I actually start choosing myself. Working on the things that I want and matter to me. Taking the steps to create the career that I want. And having time to take care of myself and the people in my life.

So if you are anything like me, it may take you getting out of your own head and going against what you think you should be doing in order to find a true sense of purpose and peace. You do not have to be going all the time. Your body can only do it for so long before it makes you slow down. Say no to the things that don’t set you on fire and yes to the things that make you feel alive.

If you are new here, Hi, and I am thankful you have stopped by. For my past readers, welcome back. I can’t wait to start sharing with you all again.

❤ Marissa

I thought I knew “tough times” before 2020; but, from getting my college running career cut short, losing a real graduation, family changes, to seeing loved ones lost too soon, 2020 has become the definition of “tough times.”

2020 has forced us all to slow down and if you are anything like me that can make your thoughts go crazy! While slowing down, I realized how messed up our priorities are as a society. That, and also that we are so disengaged and scared of communicating how we are feeling.

My biggest take away from this roller coaster of a year has been this- We have a limited time on this planet, and I am not going to look back and regret not spending every chance I could with the people that matter to me. Because when the entire world shuts down for a pandemic– it’s not work, success, or money that is there for you– it’s your people; or at least I hope you had people to turn to during this challenging time.

You can only make so many excuses for what/how you prioritize your time before it becomes clear that these excuses are only showing what is actually important to you. Because if it is important to you, you don’t make excuses. You find a way to make the time for the things and people that matter. You can also only make so many excuses for the people you surround yourself with.

The title of this post “We accept the love we think we deserve,” is from my favorite movie, Perks of Being a Wallflower (highly recommend 😉 Why is it that we are willing to put and keep people in our lives that treat and give us less than we deserve. For some reason we allow our flaws and mistakes to make us believe that we deserve to be treated the way we are and we create excuses. “Well this person is lying to me because they do not want to hurt my feelings, this person is cheating because I can’t give them _____.” But the truth is, if they cared about you, they wouldn’t be lying and if they cared they would respect your boundaries.

It is not asking too much that the people in your life are honest with you. It is not asking too much that they show you respect by being straight up. It’s not asking too much that they respect your boundaries and feelings. Far too often we continue to make excuses because we think we are asking too much and that maybe these type of relationships (romantic, friends, family, etc.) do not exist in the first place. But…

THEY DO!!

We were created for connection. God created us in a hopes that we could form a few small and meaningful connections that change the lives of those involved. HE himself started with only 12. His circle was small. Although his circle was small, God was certain in the few that he had chose to surround himself with. He knew they were devoted and would put him first. These are the types of relationships that we were meant to have.

You deserve soo much more than bare minimum. You deserve to be happy and feel truly loved and not the type of love that society has made us believe is okay. You deserve relationships built on trust, respect, and honesty. We all deserve this and it does exist.

I want to challenge each of you to think about what you are prioritizing. What kind of excuses are you making when it comes to creating/maintaining relationships? My excuses range from work, not wanting to spend money, to still needing to get a workout in haha. Once you have pinpointed your own excuses, also think about the excuses others are using toward you. I’m not saying we should always be skipping work or something but I am saying that no one is too busy for the things and people that truly matter… and if someone is too busy, you deserve better than what they are giving you. Ask yourself, “how important is this relationship to me,” and adjust accordingly because life is so much shorter than we think and before we know it, that person could be gone.

Start accepting the love you KNOW you deserve.

xoxo- Marissa ❤

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about time: how I am using my time and if I am maximizing the usable time I have. I find myself in a hurry to have it all planned and figured out; and not just my entire day and week, but my whole life. Although I just graduated and got into the “real world,” my mind is constantly saying “You should be working at least 50 hours/week and $22/hr or at least _____ amount a year.” It has me going crazy! I see others my age getting married, having kids, and buying their own homes and I question “what have I done wrong? Why am I so far behind?”

Comparison is truly a monster; one that we all get caught up in too often. We know how it makes us feel and yet we automatically compare every part of our life to those that we believe should be in the same place we are; and when they are not, we become disappointed.

We must cease striving and trust God to provide what He thinks is best and in whatever time He chooses to make it available. But this kind of trusting doesn’t come naturally. It’s a spiritual crisis of the will in which we must choose to exercise faith.

Charles Swindoll

I recently started reading Tim Tebow’s book “Shaken,” (I know, I know.. Im behind haha) but it seems that God led me to this book at this point in my life for a reason. Tim talks a lot about his struggles and challenges of being cut, switching teams, etc. Through it all he kept reminding himself that God had a plan for him. All the negative had him questioning if football really was the right path for him; however, when he took the time to quiet his mind- he always heard God telling him to trust and believe in what God had prepared for him.

My favorite quote from the book is

We are all like clay pots on the potter’s wheel, our faith being crafted and shaped by God. This process is not easy. We are kneaded, shaped, molded, and flexed. Sometimes the end result isn’t so great, so we need more kneading, shaping, molding, and flexing. We are human, after all. We’ll never reach perfection in this life. The point is to have our faith stretched and challenged and growing so we can show the world how many times we get knocked down or fall short, we can still hold on to God’s promises.

So while I may think I am behind where I should be and question if I am doing what I am suppose to be doing, I have to have faith that God has a plan and purpose for me. There is no deadline. No matter what society tells us

• you DO NOT have to go to college right after high school– you Do NOT even have to go to college at all
• you DO NOT have to be married by the time you are 25
• you DO NOT have to have children by the time you are 27
• you DO NOT have to be working over 40hr/weeks in order to be a successful adult

I have faith that I am on the right path. It is like God knows when I am questioning everything. Just when I feel like giving up or throwing it away, I get some small glimmer that tells me “okay, this is meant to be. Just trust it.” It may be taking longer than MY life plan had scheduled; but, HIS plan is far greater and I am confident that HE knows exactly what the world needs from me… and until I can see the full magnitude of that, I am just going to ride the waves and have faith in someone bigger and greater than myself.

My hope is that you all can also find faith in timing. To start trusting your gut and subconscious a little more. To believe in something greater than what society has taught us to believe. YOU have a purpose and YOU do belong. You may just need a little more kneading, molding, and flexing before you get that “Ah Hah!” moment.

So have a little faith.

Lots of ❤ Marissa

I use to think that relationships suffered from communication problems; and while I still believe this is a small part of it, it is not the biggest part. I now believe that relationships suffer due to lack of self-awareness. Lack of consciousness to the subconscious. Our cultural conditioning has taught us that we need someone else to complete us. Another person should validate us. Another person should put us before themselves. We expect to always be considered, and when we are not it feels just as painful as it did when we were children. Our unhealed wounds boil to the surface and because the person we are in a relationship with (partner, family member, friend) is closest to us, the pain is unimaginable. It’s adding salt to a wound we have carried for decades. And because we have this lack of connection between our conscious and subconscious, most of us express or cope with our pain in unhealthy ways. Whether the pain was triggered by low-self esteem, work stress, societal judgement about parenting or marriage, finances, etc. does not seem to matter. What does matter is that most of us seem to change the feeling of pain to shame. Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.

When we feel shame we go into the shame web. The shame web shuts us down from being vulnerable. We don’t share how we are feeling, why we are hurt, or what we are struggling out of fear and embarrassment of what may happen to the relationship if we do. So instead of being honest and vulnerable, these feelings come out as anger, blame, and invisibility. By blaming others we experience “self-righteous anger;” and because anger is an emotion of potency and authority, it helps to regain a sense of control. But what happened for you to regain that sense of control? Did you say something to your partner that cannot be taken back? Did you go out and do something that you regret? Did the anger last for multiple days, weeks, or even months- did it start to interfer with your obligations?

It may be unpopular opinion, but successful relationships are the ones where each person puts their own evolution before all else. Each person chooses to awaken and be aware of their subconscious thoughts, patterns, and behaviors. People that are not looking to be fulfilled- they have done the work and fulfilled themselves. They understand that love is a joining of souls and not a series of expectations and conditions. The relationship becomes a mirror. A place of deep learning and growth. Two people seeking the highest self rather than two wounded people battling each other’s fragile ego.

When we heal our own emotional wounds, we begin to seek an equal- not someone that makes us feel inferior or superior. We don’t try to save. We don’t seek to change. We don’t need to hold out hope that one day a person will become who we’ve wanted them to be. We are no longer seduced with the idea that a person is doing something “for us” rather than for themselves. We understand that if someone can not give something to themselves, they are incapable of showing up for you. This is why relationships end up being where we act out our old wounds until we’ve found the courage to face them.

I challenge you this week, to step back before you react in your relationship. To sit with your thoughts, emotions, and feelings and pinpoint the true source of them. I challenge you to have the hard conversations. To be brave and courageous enough to lean into the vulnerability. It is not until we truly understand and accept ourselves that we can understand and accept those that are most important to us.

XOXO- Marissa ❤

Its been a hot minute since I have posted. I actually had no intentions of continuing this blog but I have had a lot of time to think (with everything being shut down) about what direction I want to go with my life and career; and I realized that sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences is something that I want to do. No matter how vulnerable it may make me at times.

And that is exactly what this post is making me, is vulnerable.

I have had a post like this saved in my instagram drafts for months now, sense March 17th to be exact, the day my senior track season was cancelled…. (the day I knew that I could no longer make excuses for not listening to what my body had been telling my for years)… however, I keep leaving it in my drafts because I have been scared of how it will be perceived by others..

Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.

Brene Brown

“You’re so healthy and fit!” “I wish I was as dedicated as you.” “That runner girl.” These are the comments that have shaped what I thought I have had to be since the 6th grade and while I love how everyone has been so encouraging with my running career… its easy to understand how I let it get out of hand and a little obsessive. No one can ever truly know what others are going through. Most of us fall apart quietly. I know I was.

I am not going to go into details about my exact patterns and behaviors because that’s not the purpose of this post. However, if you are someone struggling with disordered eating patterns, body image issues, amenorrhea, and the pressure of being an athlete, know that you are not alone. That is why I want to share my story no matter how fearful I may be. Even if this post only helps one person, it will be a success.

I feel like this is a crazy jumble of thoughts because I have so much built up about the topics of body image, shame, self-worth, and even addiction. “What? Addiction?! What is that word doing in here?” But people can get addicted to anything and I think we are too quick to judge people based on this…. Some people are addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc. and get a wrap for being a terrible person. But what about the person addicted to exercise? Or the person addicted to controlling how their body looks to the point of it becoming an obsession? They really aren’t that different. When other areas of ones life seem to be falling apart, anyone is going to get a little attached to something that makes them feel safe, secure, and in-control. Its hard to admit when its become too much. Its hard to step back from something that has controlled all of your decisions for a large majority of your life. Its hard to admit you need help and that you cant do it on your own.

Its funny that all of my most influential experiences are centered around running- the good and the bad. I am blessed to have found such a passion….while I may need time away from it structuring my entire life, I know it will always be there. But I want it to be there in a healthy way this time.. to be able to exercise without comparing what I did to someone else. to eat the cookie because I want the cookie and not feel bad about it because I did not workout long enough that day. To win a race for myself and not out of fear of what others would think if I didn’t…

I want all of this and so much more and I have come to realize that I am still a long ways away from being able to say any of these things.

What I can say is this… Not liking yourself sucks; its exhausting. Wishing you could change things that you can’t is a never ending battle… and being at war with yourself because you feel like you aren’t worthy of others is draining.. You deserve it all. All the love, success, and cookies your heart desires. Self-care has started getting a lot more attention but I don’t think people know how hard self-care actually is. Its not just manicures and massages… It’s calling yourself out on your own BS. Its being uncomfortable for days, months, maybe even years to achieve something bigger. Its shutting down the outside world because what is right for someone else may not be right for you at this stage in your life. Its accepting your flaws and acknowledging that everyone has negatives thoughts but you choose whether you process and release them or let them control your decisions.

I am no where near where I need to be, but I am a lot closer than I was 5 months ago and right now that is good enough. The future is limitless. While I am scared for all the changes occurring in my life, I’m excited to be able to help others accept themselves and find their inner badass. I know that God has put me through what he has to benefit a journey so much bigger than just myself. The exact path may not be clear to me right now but I have faith that I am taking the right steps.

I hope you guys continue to follow me as I start some new adventures in my life! I want to thank everyone for their love, support, and encouragement.

With all the Love, Marissa.

P.S. – Eat the damn cookie.

There are hundreds of ways to lose yourself, but the easiest of them all is refusing to acknowledge who you truly are in the first place.

Rachel Hollis

Wow.. I am actually really terrible at posting on this blog! Sorry it has been so long but I hope you guys enjoy this read 🙂

I finally got to read Rachel Hollis’s book Girl Wash Your Face, and it was definitely a 10-out-of-10. One of my favorite take-aways was the need to truly accept ourselves. The good and the bad… the parts of ourselves that we understand and the parts that confuse the heck out of us. I think this is a concept that everyone struggles with at some point in their life; I know I have. I am always confusing myself. My personality and who I am cannot be summed up in a few short words because I am a whirlwind of chaos.

I would consider myself a high achiever, people-pleaser, and hard worker. I would not be who I am or where I am today without these traits. However, it is these same traits that have given me many opportunities that have also challenged me to stay true to myself not matter what outside forces may be acting against me. It is so easy to let the words and desires of others become our own. I can think of hundreds of examples; your parents want you to be a star football player so this becomes your ultimate goal…. everyone tells you that you would make an amazing teacher so you go to college and study education… someone tells you that you are not smart enough to be a doctor and you believe them. For a long time these desires do seem to be your own; that is until the football player realizes that he actually love music, the aspiring teacher is a year into his/her studies and drops out to work at the family business, and the student that was told he/she was not smart enough gets his/her Ph.D. Like I said it is easy to know and see ourselves the way others see us. But how many of us can see past what everyone else sees?

When people ask me to describe myself the first thing I say is “I am confusing.” I say this because while I am those traits above I am also the complete opposite. I am extremely sarcastic, sassy, and stubborn. I like to test boundaries and bend the rules. A lot of people that know me only see my earlier traits. Spend more than 10 minutes talking to me and you are likely to hear multiple curse words come out of my mouth. Few people know that I can see myself being covered in one-to-many tattoos by the end of my life. I can also see myself quitting my job to travel the world to sit at random local coffee shops reading the day away. My bucket list does not include any real goals but instead bungee jumping, sky diving, scaling a building, and living in one of those tiny houses at some point in my life. And that while I am good at communicating with others and love helping people, I prefer spending much of my time alone. These are the traits that confuse me and that I sometimes push to the side for the other parts of myself.

I realized that it is when I try to turn off this part of myself that I not only become stressed but also extremely unhappy. At the beginning of this year, I think it was my first blog post, I wrote about working on loving ourselves this year. Accepting all of my traits and knowing how they do and do not work together is a big part of that. I am a lot happier than I was a year ago and its because I stopped second guessing my wants. I started putting my thoughts above others and believing in myself instead of letting others believe in me for me. I chose my life and that is an amazing feeling. I do not have to fit into anyone else’s frame…no matter how big the frame they have for me may be.

We all have traits that we hide or shut off because we do not like them, or because others have told us to stop them. However, we are doing ourselves a disservice if we do not acknowledge these traits and learn just how they play into our complex personalities. Our questionable traits may just be the traits we need to write record breaking music, nail an acting gig, or survive medical school. Stop putting yourself in other people’s bubble and start living YOUR life. I promise you that not only will you be happier but you will start to achieve things you never thought you would.

Pop that bubble,

xoxo Marissa ❤

Holy cow it has been awhile since my last post, like Spring break. Anyways, I thought I better take advantage of this extra free time. There has been multiple times since my last post that I felt called to share something but every time I got on my site I couldn’t put anything into words… I didn’t know how to say how I was feeling.

This semester has been rough to say the least, and no I do not mean rough as in “I have a ton of homework and so many deadlines.” I mean mentally rough. It has been a semester full of major downs and negativity. I continue to be tested in my determination, work ethic, and faith. One bad thing after another seems to be popping up and I have days where I let all of this get to me. Just this past week I fell to the ground crying for 20 minutes after hitting my knee on my desk; I was at that point.

One of the podcasts I listen to (The Joe Rogan Experience) has a recent episode with Kevin Hart in which they talk about our society and negativity. It is the cultural norm for people to be negative about everything! People complain about their jobs, working out, having to pay the bills, etc. This is what we do! We get together for drinks or coffee or lunch and we complain about our lives. When we encounter people that talk about their passions and the things they love, the things that set their souls on fire we see them as some sort of stranger creature. Of course they are different than you!!! But only because they are consciously choosing to focus on their positives! No need to be fooled into thinking that just because these people seem to be happy and enjoying life, their life is perfect. They too have things to complain about but they know that complaining will do them no good. It just keeps them stuck on the negative.

I think this is why I have been so confused with how I am feeling and where I am at in life…While there have been long periods of negativity this semester, there have also been beautiful highs. Little rays of sunshine breaking through the storm. They pull me back up and remind me that no trial is forever and that God does see us suffering. Life is full of ups and downs; and for some reason, we tend to cling to the downs more than anything.

This Easter, today, I challenge you to remember the blessings you are given, not just every day but through your trials. The blessings that renew your faith in the one who made the greatest sacrifice of all. I challenge you to be open and honest with the thoughts you allow to become a reality. And I hope and pray that you are able to find some blessings that can carry you through your trials because life is a beautiful thing when you stop complaining and open your eyes.

Happy Monday! We got a snow day today because this Iowa weather is out of control, so I have some time to post again!

I was reading “The No Complaining Rule” when I came across this tip and it really stood out to me. Do you ever feel like things are shown to you at the perfect time? That is what this paragraph was for me.

Indoor track season just ended and while it had its positives, it was mostly a season of struggle. My legs were constantly tired and in pain. Races seemed to be 10x harder than cross… which makes no sense because 1) there are no hills and 2) it is inside so the weather doesn’t play a role. While it would have been easy for me to have the attitude of “I have to race the 5k,” I found myself repeating that “I get to run the 5k.” This was my first season of indoor track. It is the first time in 2 years that I haven’t been sidelined because of injury. It is the first time in 2 years that I have been healthy enough to run all year long and I clung to this. The realization that while it may not be going perfect, I am still blessed with the ability to do what I enjoy so much was huge! However I know a lot of people who would have had the “have to” attitude. You know that saying you don’t realize what you have until it is gone?” Well believe it because nothing has ever been more true.

What type of person are you? Do you constantly find yourself saying you “have to” do things? Try to imagine what it would be like without these day-to-day obligations. Do you really think your life would be better if you did not “have to” go to work? Depending on the circumstances you would likely “have to” do even more of some things and less of others because you would not have the money to make ends meet. It is easy to take these little things for granted and we all do. But it is the little things that make the big ones seem just that… big. We cannot have or reach all of our real “Get to’s” without doing our “Have to’s.” Looking back on all the “Have To’s” you have encounter in your life, I bet you feel satisfied and proud of the “Have To’s” that led you to where you are today. So maybe these “Have To’s” are really just “Get To’s” because you GET TO wake up again today, you GET TO see the sun rise as you drive to work, you GET TO have another opportunity to work towards your goals, and you GET TO dream more dreams.

I hope your Monday is full of “Get To’s.” — xoxo Marissa